One of the books I am trying to write is called 10 Things I Wish I Knew About Motherhood -- Before I became a mom! I have to be honest and say that I really don't feel qualified to write about how to be a great mother. I am just out there trying my best to juggle life and family and faith like everyone else. But by the grace of God it all seems to be going well so far.
Some of you may know of my struggle with postpartum depression after having my first child, Kaylan. It was a really difficult time for me, and I tell the whole story in my "Superwoman in the Making" Series on the soul section regarding emotions. I think part of my 18-month struggle in this area was because I truly did not know what to expect as far as real lifestyle changes were concerned. Everyone told me that having a baby would be the most wonderful thing in my life and how precious every moment would be and how it would teach me so much about God's love for me. In hindsight, all those things are absolutely TRUE. But I was completely unprepared for complete and immediate shift that took place when this little bundle arrived on the scene.
So my little book is aimed at mothers in the first or early stages of motherhood. I haven't the authority to speak on matters relating to mothering teens --- yet. I'll leave that book for my next decade. Anyway, my 10 things I wish I knew are listed below in no particular order. What are some things you wish you knew before you became a mom? I would love to hear your own words.
1. You will sleep again! I think most of my biggest failures as a parent have been due to fatigue. Make sleep a priority because eventually it will affect your judgement.
2. Having a baby will impact your marriage. Not saying this is good or bad -- it's just true. It's a fact. Your marriage changes significiantly after you add kids. It's a process -- don't freak out.
3. Make peace with your body -- it can never really be the same again, and it's served you well. So be thankful for it -- treat it well with good food, excercise, and rest.
4. Your world my seem to get a lot smaller for awhile, but don't confuse small with insignificant. I felt a little trapped by having to spend so much time at home with a little one. I like to check things off my list and not have to do them again. All of a sudden my days became an endless routine of wake up, change diapers, eat, play, sleep. It was hard to see the significance in that for someone who is used to being highly productive. God had to show me that I wasn't out of the game, but the playing field had changed.
5. There's no such thing as a perfect mom. Not even the Martha Stewart clone who sends handmade valentines to the 2-year-old mother's day out valentine party. Comparing yourself to others will always keep you from rejoicing over their successes and weeping over their sufferings as the Bible tells us to do. There is not place for comparison and envy in love.
6. It's okay to let your kids stay with a babysitter once in awhile. Yes, you need to be really vigilant about who you leave your kids with. Nothing is worth exposing them to risk of any kind. That being said, for most women, having a scehduled break during the week is a necessity for overall health of spirit, soul, and body. It's not a luxury. You are a better mother when you are refreshed.
7. God gave your children to YOU to parent. Not James Dobson, not your pastor, not your uber mom best friend/sisiter/aunt, not your mother [in law]. He gave them to YOU. Therefore, He has uniquly gifted and equppied you to raise them according to His love and purpose for their lives, and according to His word. There are lots of great books out there that can resource you to be a great parent, but the fact is, none of them are THE WAY for everyone. There is only one book that represents THE WAY -- and that's the Bible. Within the principles outlined in God's word, there's a lot of room for each individual family. Don't judge someone else's way of parenting. Rather, encourage and pray for them. And don't let anyone else judge you, but rather raise your children with a reverent fear of God, knowing that one day you will be called to account for your stewardship over their lives.
8. Get some perspective. Some things just aren't that big of a deal.
9. You will have to work extra hard and maintaining friendships during this season, and some won't go the distance into this time of your life. It's hard to stay connected to others when you have to pack up your while life just to go for a two-hour visit. But you have to make the effort or you will get lonely and discouraged. On the other hand, some friends aren't ready to venture with you to mommy land. Have the grace to let them go and move on without burning bridges. God has a way of working things out in the long haul.
10. It's only a season. When you're in the middle of raising those preschool aged children, people always say to you, "This is such a precious time, and it goes so quickly. Enjoy it while you can." Some days I used to think, "Well, it's not going quickly enough." But as someone who has just now exited that phase of motherhood, I am here to humbly attest to the brevity of that season. When it's over, it's over, just as quickly as it came. Before you know it, you can barely remember that just-bathed baby smell and you're already dreaming of having your own grandchildren. So really live in the moment, because like every season in life, it too, shall pass.
Love you girls!
Kerri
LBxoxo
12 comments:
I enjoyed reading your 10 things...especially number 7. Sometimes, I wonder if God knew what He was doing when He asked me to parent His little princess. Thankfully, Alyssa has the gift of forgiveness. She never holds a grudge and even after the worst day of parenting, she will still hug me and call me the best mommy in the world.
One thing I wish I knew before becoming a mom: that they hear you even when it appears they aren't listening. It just may be awhile before they bring it to your attention.
God Bless and thank you for sharing your heart.
Hi Kerri,
I didn't know about your postpartum depression, although have read how strong it is and how badly it can affect you. My story is unique, but that aside, let it suffice to say - that the relief of getting "that thing" out of my stomach was the greatest joy I ever experienced. To lose total control of your body was a bit overwhelming to me and I suffered more depression during pregnancy than I think normal. I never thought I could be a mom, and quite frankly never planned on having children - or getting married. I was college bound and planned on being a christian psychologist. God had a different plan, and as you point out - hindsight always shows you the rainbow.
There was something I did know - perhaps out of determination not to carry on unhealthy traditions in parenting - so I was fortunate to incorporate it and have felt benefits already as a result:
(1) Everything you do, everything you say and the examples you set forth on a daily basis, can, and will, be used against you in a court of law. :) Someday these kids will become little versions of you. Don't give them baggage to take out into the world. Life's hard enough.
(2)As rocky as it gets, and as honory (sp?) as they get, they will thank you for all you do that they hate you for now. They are just "children" - which is why they need "parents" - until they are smart enough to think for themselves.
...by the way....the refrence to a "court of law" was a joke. I was a paralegal in NH. Got use to their jargon. Didn't want anyone to think I was in trouble with the law or anything. Just a weird sense of humor. :) :)
your words are so encouraging. i appreciate your gift of always being REAL. i am not even close to being a mother, but one thing's for sure is that i will be-and your ten points hit parts of me where i have allowed some fear to settle in. not fear that i won't be able to do it, but fear of the unknown, like you mentioned about your post-preg season. i look forward to answering the call of motherhood one day. i can't think of anything i would want to do more. thank you pastor. i am so blessed that you answered your call to women's ministry.
Thank you for sharing these "things" with us!
Wow! It is exactly what I'm learning during "this season". My little Melody has changed our livesin so many ways. She is really a blessing and I'm learning this 10 things every day. I truly believe, as you said, that God has gifted and equppied us to raise them according to His love and purpose for their lives, and according to His word. My husband always says that I'm "the only one" who can raise Melody :) She is awesome and so so so so active and energetic... So when I'm submerged in "my routine" as a mother I always remember that I'm raising a princess, a warrior and a daughter... I'm so in love with mi little girl!!!!
Great 10 things, Kerri! Did you read my mind, darlin'? I will give
you a couple of other thoughts:
1. There are no such things as the "terrible twos" or "traumatic
threes".
As you know, I have two girls, and we had "terrific twos" and "tremendous threes" and "fantastic fours".
Speak words of blessing over your children and their
personalities.
2. It's good to teach them manners and etiquette!
Jody used to get on me and say I was being so hard on the babies by making them eat neatly from the youngest age and say "please" and "thank you"...until he got his first compliment on how well behaved his girls were; and all of a sudden, I was a genius!
It is much easier to teach these good behaviours while they are young than it is to unteach the bad things when they are older.
3. Know that you are going to make mistakes. Especially when you get into the teenage years.
Just don't give up on them, yourself, or your Heavenly Father.
4. And remember, God knew that you were not going to be a perfect parent, but He trusted you with these precious children, anyway, because He is bigger than our mistakes!
5. Be sure to have a sound support system. Living in Florida can make this particularly hard on parents, because it is a state where people are transient; and many don't have grandparents, brothers, and sisters to back them up. We need to have a good church, be hooked up to small groups, fellowship, and serve - to keep us encouraged and have that network of support we all need so much.
There you go, dearheart, I hope these are something you can use in your book!
Love you so much...
Hugs, jan
Thank you so much for doing this whole blog thing. It really allows me to feel connected to you despite my inability to attend Celebration Women due to working full-time.
I really appreciated your 'motherhood' post. All my life I've spent time mostly with people older than me. I really enjoy it because it gives me tremendous insight into stages of my life that I may not be even close to entering, but I cherish being able to absorb and store so much good information. Bobby and I do that so much when in a group of all our friends who have kids of different ages. Sometimes the more I hear the more I feel just how not prepared I am, but being that we both want a family very much it's great to have such insight.
God really spoke to me through your post. As I started reading the items I felt my fear of having kids increase, but by the end I was so moved with a peace and touched that I still feel emotional writing this and I can't really explain why. But I do know that I am glad I have this list and can't wait for the book to be published, because I'm sure I'll be in full swing of needing it then!
Thanks, Kerri. Love you & appreciate you so much.
Great words of wisdom! They are so true. I emailed your ten things to all of my friedns with little ones and soon to be little ones. Being the oldest of three and the "helper", I learned some valuable lessons. The one that stays with me today is surrendering everything to God and loving your children with God's love. You learn so much about yourself when you have a child. You want to give them the best of you. It is truly an honor to be a mother. Those tough days can even end well learning from God's voice and his word.
Thanks so much Kerri for being real and honest. Enjoy his blessings!
u have some great things in your top 10- and i did agree w/ #7.
2 thing i wish i knew before becoming a mom:
1) sometimes baby cry (long),& nothing to what u did, they just cry & it doesn't mean you're a bad mom nor u should of got you're act right prior to this moment, just don't take it so hard on yourself nor freak out about it.
2) if someone wants to help you out -LET THEM!! i wanted to help my sis-in-law (& bro) out when the baby couldn't sleep (which meant they couldn't), & they nearly fought me on it but i finally convinced them & it was 1 my favorite moments w/ my nephew. then when it was my turn w/ child- i was so grateful when others asked.
but 1 thing i did prior to everything was PRAY!!
thanks for sharing- God bless you & yours
Hi Kerri, I love your 10 things and it is awesome you are writing a book! I copied a journal entry that I wrote right after our second was born and I laughed some but it brought back such memories that I had blocked out only 18 months later...yikes! I enjoy your blog and am praying for you guys! Kit Rossi
"In the Thick"
One piece of advice that more mature people always give me and other young Moms is "just enjoy this time". Well, I can say with immature confidence, "whatever". I am certain that in 10 maybe 20 years I will look back and wish upon myself that I could have just "enjoyed this time", but when you are in the thick of it, this is one of the most overwhelming pieces of advice ever! When I say, "in the thick of it", I am referring to babies crying and crying, two year olds throwing temper tantrums, and VERY early mornings. Really this term could apply to any difficult stage of life. I am struck as I realize how many times I have told single friends of mine to just enjoy being single for a time. Or friends who are in college struggling with all the college issues of grades, friends, etc., to just enjoy it while they can. How inconsiderate!
Really when it comes down to it, these "in the thick of it" moments are the trials that are relevent to our individual lives. Trials that we are gauranteed by our Creator. Trials that aren't necessarily from Him, but that He certainly allows, just hoping for the moment when we cry out in panic, brokeness or desperation for a friend. A friend who doesn't tell us to "enjoy" our trials, but who eagerly awaits for us to cry to Him so He can tell us, it's Okay. He understands. He knows it's hard. He also knows that you know that there are other people out there with much bigger struggles, and He still cares about YOU. Just You. He hears the crying baby, He hears the screaming 2 year old, He sees the clock at 6 AM, and He feels you. And He loves it when you ask for help. He loves it when you call out His name, and He loves rescuing you. When no one else will do, when everyone seems to tell you that it will only last for a little while, Jesus comes to sit a while.
Kerri, I'm a little late in catching up, but this post touched me deeply. As an overachieving, organized control-freak (um..."retentive" LOL), it was a big shock to me when I had my first child. Here I was supposed to be filled with the joy and bliss of motherhood, and I felt overwhelmed and frustrated. God taught me so much about myself during that time. Where were all those self-sacrificing maternal instincts? Why was my irritability meter on maximum overload? I felt like there was a tiny man with a tiny hammer constantly pounding on "my last nerve." I blamed it on hormones and lack of sleep for awhile, but I will never forget the day I collapsed in my closet and sobbed my heart out to God..."I can't do this. I'm missing the mother gene," I wailed. Thus started some of the earliest and most intimate moments I had with God where He told me (in no uncertain terms) that I was a control freak. I was upset because my world had been turned upside down...schedules were out of wack, sleep was in short order, the house was a mess, and nothing was progressing in the neat, orderly and linear fashion with which I had lived my life prior to the arrival of my "bundle of joy." LOL
Thankfully, God has a sense of humor. He basically told me to lighten up and get over myself. So what if the toys aren't picked up the instant they're not being played with anymore? So what if the dishes sit *gasp* in the sink overnight to be washed the next morning? So what if my child has macaroni and cheese for breakfast?
I had to learn to let go of my deeply ingrained need to plan, organize and control every aspect of my life (and my family's). The journey has been much sweeter, though more unpredictable, since I learned to lighten up and trust God with the big stuff.
Love you!!
-Lea
I don't know how you plan to write your book but this definitely sounds like a wonderful outline. Each of these ten things evoked a nodding motion as I was reading them and made me think to specific examples of times where I have felt the same way in the last 9 months. I am sure that when you complete this book, it will do the same for all those that read it. I think what I have learned and it corresponds with everything other people have commented is that your priorities shift and that is okay. Your priority now is the baby and the family unit that was created. Yea maybe your house isn't as clean as it used to be and sure you can't go shopping without bringing enough stuff to fill the cart before you've even started, but you have this little blessing and he has been sent to make you realize what matters in this world. I think in a lot of ways the love of a child is to remind us of how God loves us. Completely and unconditionally. With hopeful eyes and open arms and an open heart. At least that is the way I feel everytime Tyler looks at me. I am still a new mom and maybe I will always be as each new experience of their life arises. Anyway, it's too late and I 'm not sure if I'm making sense but thank you for sharing with such honesty and thanks to everyone who commented. I am glad to know that we go through the same struggles. We should not be so hard on one another! We are more alike than we realize.
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